Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
