The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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