He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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