do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
