you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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