It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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