Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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