Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
