I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
