i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
