Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
