Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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