so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Randomize
