She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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