i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
