My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
