I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
