Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize