Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
