I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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