There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
