We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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