I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
