I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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