Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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