I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
