tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
