she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize