Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
