Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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