he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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