just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
