I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
