Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
