god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
