my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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