If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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