Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
