Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
