What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
