somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
