I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
