you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
