I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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