But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Bring me that man meat
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
