i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think I am morally bankrupt
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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