I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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