Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
