Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
