I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
