I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
