i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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