so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
