literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
