my phone needs a breathalizer
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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