I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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