I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize