Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
