I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
