The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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