Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize